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How many children?

16-03-2021

2021

Parenting and pregnancy articles

There are many things to consider when you decide to add to your family...Sally Rawlings out how to tackle this tricky topic. Good Health; issue 0213; p080 - 083; Text Available

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caption80 how many There are many things to consider when you decide to add to your family… Sally Rawlings finds out how to tackle this tricky topic H ave you ever felt overwhelmed by the desire to have another child? Then you’re not alone. So how do you deal with it when you are consumed by the thought of adding to your family but your partner does not feel the same way because of practical or emotional reasons? An urge to have more children can’t simply be written off as a normal biological imperative – though therapists do notice a trend for women around 40 to want to extend their family. It’s an ache that can have many triggers, according to Relationships Australia psychologist Danielle Ollington. A parent of an only child might feel a desire to supply a sibling; she may feel that sting of sadness when her youngest or only child starts school. Sometimes, a parent who comes from a large family may have a desire to have a family of the same size. One in five women were ‘sad’ about the unfulfilled size of their family – some even ‘angry’ and ‘devastated’ – according to the results of a voluntary survey on the website babycentre.co.uk. Financial pressure was the big obstacle, though more than a quarter blamed their partner’s reluctance. The results even surprised the survey’s creator, UK-based marriage therapist, Andrew Marshall, who had discovered it was a silent bugbear among many of his client couples. “For most it was a source of contention, for many an open wound.” “In my experience, the decision about how many children you and your partner should have ranks right up there with choices about career, religion, and where you want to live,” says US family therapist Dr Alan Singer, author of Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley, $22.95). “Family-size decisions play a major role in whether or not a couple stays married. Well thought-out, family-size decisions are essent

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caption81 PHOTOGRAPHY getty images / steven chee/ acpsyndication. com gm0213kidp81.pdf Page 81 12/12/2012, 11:56:18 AM

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caption82 As wondrous as children are, there are many studies that show marital satisfaction decreases with the arrival of each child, notes Singer. Among his tips: “Realise that however good a marriage becomes post-baby, it will not be good in the same way it was pre-baby.” Many partners dread a new baby’s impact on sleep, calm, couple time and personal time. “I couldn’t bear waking up to, and “If you at least feel that your partner understands how important this is to you, it can decrease a lot of the pain and conflict of the discussion,” says Ollington. Also, it shows your partner that you are at least trying to understand his point of view. “You may not want to voice the ‘negatives’ but, in fact, being in touch with the impact on family resources, on your relationship, the need to change cars (particularly for a third child) can help your partner to feel understood and to feel that you’re not looking at the issue with blinkers on,” she says. coming home to, my wife, miserable without sleep for another year,” says one man with two children and little extended family support. Be realistic about the challenges, says Singer. “Although some parents believe children will take care of each other, reducing some of the parents’ burden, I more commonly hear that each additional child raises the bar exponentially in terms of additional stress. Consider whether adding another child at this time is truly something you will be able to handle.” What could help this time around – do you have spare cash for baby whisperers and respite babysitting for x hours a week? Are there reliable teenagers in your area who could help out? How do like-minded friends/acquaintances of yours cope? Financial strain is an unpleasant topic but brushing over it only makes matters worse. It helps if you can discuss your partner’s biggest fears and come up with solutions to

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captionBeing patient when you want to have another child can be difficult, especially if age and fertility are an issue. A rush of fear, fury or frustration can make it irresistible to try to talk to your partner – exactly when it’s best to wait, says Ollington. Bring the topic up softly, she says: “Try something like, ‘I know this is a really difficult topic and I know you understand my perspective and I yours but it’s not resolved for me and can we talk about it again?’” Research shows successful couples make a point of using positive cues when bringing up a tricky topic. “Things like touching each other on the knee [ while you’re talking about the hard stuff], saying, ‘Thank you for letting me talk’, letting them know that they’re very much loved and appreciated,” says Ollington. Take time out if necessary, patch things up quickly and remember your respect for your partner and their positive qualities. “See yourselves as a team trying to negotiate a life-changing issue, rather than enemy forces at war with each other.” After all, this is someone you want to have children with. 83 Think through what you might want together in 20 or so years, says Ollington: “As we get older, the importance of family is highlighted for many people.” Will you regret not having another child or will you be too busy planning an overseas trip? Of course, any great expectations that children will hang around to be our buddies as adults only serve to increase the likelihood that they’ll fall in love and move on. Even in the midst of a dilemma, try to maintain the fun – mandatory date nights, playing cards, snorkelling, snuggling, whatever makes you smile and relax together. “A healthy, loving, low-conflict parenting relationship is the heart of your family, the powerhouse that keeps it going strong,” says Singer. “Value and nurture this relationship for your own sa