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caption76 goodpsychology. Photography steven chee/ acpsyndication. com / getty images gm0213sayp76.pdf Page 76 10/12/2012, 5:03:47 PM

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caption77 EXPERT TIPS ON HOW TO HELP A FRIEND IN NEED. BY ANGELA DONALDSON W hen someone is in crisis, it can be difficult to know what to do. It’s tempting to give advice. In fact, advice-giving is one of the ways we cope with our own distress about someone else’s crisis: telling someone what they should do makes us feel better. “Generally, it’s best not to advise people in crisis situations,” says Dr Mary Casey, psychologist and author of The Healing Power of Truth (www.caseycentre.com.au, $29.95). “They are often in turmoil and don’t hear what you advise and if they do, they won’t follow that advice. What they really need is support.” Here, tips from the experts on how to help a friend during tough times. Bad health DIAGNOSIS If someone has received a worrying diagnosis, it’s important to use empathy, Casey says. “That means trying to put yourself in their position Loss of A JOB The significance of a job loss depends on many things, including the person’s age. “Don’t tell them everything will be fine, they don’t want to hear that right now,” says Casey. And don’t ‘top’ their experience by saying things like, ‘I lost my job once so I know how you feel.’” EXPERT ADVICE Listen with empathy and interest. Validate their feelings by saying things like, ‘That must be really upsetting.’ Repeat their comments and feelings back to them. For example, ‘It sounds like you’re really angry about it.’ This helps them gain self-understanding. Ask, ‘What are the main things you’re concerned about?’ This helps them gain clarity. Don’t use clichés like, ‘Everything happens for a reason.’ Dr Mary Casey, psychologist EXPERT ADVICE Listen and direct your attention to them when they’re speaking. Reflect back what you hear them say, for example, ‘You say you feel guilty. What makes you feel like that?’ This helps them know that you heard and understood t

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caption78 GRIEVING What to do or say depends on the type of relationship you had with the grieving person before the death occurred, says Dianne McKissock, director of Sydney’s Bereavement Care Centre. “If it’s a work situation, ask the person privately how they want to be treated,” says McKissock. “Do they want you to be kind and overtly supportive, or treat them as before so they can retain their professional demeanour?” If it’s the latter, say something like, ‘As long as you know that my silence is from caring and if ever you want to talk, I’m available to listen’ (if you really are). EXPERT ADVICE Don’t avoid the person who is grieving. Focus on trying to understand how they feel. Don’t say, ‘I know how you feel.’ Do something to demonstrate your care. Don’t wait for them to ask, they won’t be able to. grief can last forever – it just isn’t always in the foreground. If possible, be supportive in the long-term. Don’t exhaust your help in the first few days, weeks or months. Listen, for as long as necessary, then provide a potentially enjoyable distraction so they have time out from the intensity. Dianne McKissock, director, Bereavement Care Centre Relationship BREAK-UP When someone’s relationship has broken up, be prepared to bite your tongue. “You’ll no doubt be dying to tell them what you think, but hold off until they specifically ask you some questions,” says Jo Lamble, clinical psychologist and author of Answers To Everyday Questions About Relationships (Penguin Books, $19.95). “If they want to know what you think about the ex, or what to do now, be careful. We all know what happens if you criticise a friend’s ex and then they reconcile – awkward!” EXPERT ADVICE Focus on your friend’s pain. Just be there and listen, and listen. acknowledge their feelings, whatever they are, by saying something like, ‘I can understand why you’re so up

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caption79 DEPRESSED As with the other situations on these pages, the main thing to remember is to listen and don’t advise. “People can feel swamped when they are depressed and following someone’s advice can feel like one more thing they have to do for somebody else,” says Werner Sattman-Frese, a counselling and psychotherapy lecturer at Sydney’s Jansen Newman Institute. “When we give advice it’s usually correct for us, but we often don’t know what others really need,” he says. EXPERT ADVICE Don’t ask them if they’re ‘depressed’. Simply ask, ‘How do you feel?’ This encourages them to reflect on what’s going on. Don’t ask too many questions – they’ll feel bombarded and will probably shut down. Depression can be linked to a sense of not feeling connected to others. Take an interest in their life. Send them messages of care and encouragement. Encourage them socially. An outing with a friend gives them a break from their low feelings and signals to them, ‘I want to be in a relationship with you – let’s have fun together.’ Get them moving, especially outside. Physical activity and an encounter with nature – wind, rain, sun, sand – can help move and transform depressed energy. Werner Sattman Frese, counselling and psychotherapy lecturer Minor cuts Insect bites Sun burn GME 1302_ 184401AA.p d f P a g e 1 12/12/2012, 12:39:39 P M gm0213sayp79.pdf Page 79 13/12/2012, 12:17:43 PM