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caption69 goodrelationships. If you’re wondering where your desirable self disappeared to, rediscovering who you are can be the key to lifting your sexual self-esteem, says Sarah Marinos rom motherhood, illness and weight gain to a partner having an affair, or simply being together forever – situations can take a toll on a woman’s sexual confidence. One day she feels desirable and desired – only to wake up the next day feeling over the hill and unattractive. The good news is you can regain your sexual confidence, says Melbourne-based sex educator, Maureen Matthews. “The challenge is to rediscover who you are as an individual,” she says. “To be sexually confident means to enjoy being a woman, to feel comfortable with who you are, and to feel you are a sexually viable woman.” Here we look at situations that may lead to a crisis of sexual confidence and how to overcome it. boost Photography getty images  sexual Confidence with a new partner Suddenly you are with a stranger, you’re all too aware that your body isn’t as slim and toned as it once was and you keep wondering what your new partner is thinking of you. Your flirting skills may also be out of practice. “Meeting new people and putting yourself in new social situations may be awkward and uncomfortable at first, but it will lift your confidence and when you appear assured and attractive this boosts sexual confidence,” says Matthews. “Confidence comes with realising this is the package you have to offer – take it or leave it,” agrees Desiree Spierings, a sex therapist at Sexual Health Australia, in Sydney. “Turn things around. If you really like your new partner it’s not just because of their looks or sexual performance, is it?” In practical terms you can prepare for intimacy. Have a personal lubricant on hand to assist your natural lubrication and be aware that 40 per cent of men over 45 have the beginnings o

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caption68 Photography getty images gm1212sexp68.pdf Page 68 19/10/2012, 2:51:12 PM

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caption70 with your partner for a long time The honeymoon phase in a relationship is known as the ‘limerent’ period and it lasts around 18 months. “It’s the infatuation phase and it’s exciting and romantic. There’s plenty of kissing and cuddling, quality time and low conflict. All the female desire enhancers are operating,” says Dr Rosie King, author of Where Did My Libido Go? (Ebury, $34.95). Rediscovering sexual confidence when a relationship grows stale can simply be about rekindling those desire enhancers. “Do things you enjoy together and discuss how you can be enticed by the pleasures of sex. Women don’t want to be rushed into sex, they need time to tune out of everyday life,” says King. “Talk about how you can improve your relationship if it has become routine. Communicate, be intimate and share romantic gestures. Have quality time and work on reducing conflict between you. All this is conducive to a higher libido and sexual confidence.” gained weight “A lot of men I’ve worked with say, ‘I think my wife is gorgeous but she’s always worrying about stretchmarks and cellulite. And that’s off-putting,” says Matthews. “Women look at images in magazines, look in the mirror and fall into a pattern of self-loathing, going to the fridge and then hating themselves even more. Look to the positives rather than filling your mind with negatives.” When your partner says they find you desirable, believe them. “Even if you think ‘but what about my stretchmarks’, don’t enunciate it because you put at the forefront of your mind why you shouldn’t be considered sexy. And there are things you can do to be less embarrassed. Use candlelight when you are with your partner. Or wear lingerie that covers your waistline or stretchmarks or whatever you feel self-conscious about,” says Matthews. had surgery or a serious illness Illness or surgery can have a huge impact on sexual confi

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captionhad a baby A baby brings many changes to a woman’s body, emotions and lifestyle. It may take a while to get your body back, if you ever do, and the tiredness and pressure being a new mum can bring can be greater than expected, says Spierings. “It’s important to learn to love your new body and what it has created and to still pay attention to yourself. So exercise, eat healthy foods, wear clothes that make you feel good and make a decision not to let it all go!” says Spierings. “A lot of couples are totally unprepared for this disruption. They say ‘the baby will fit in’ and it does. It fits in right between the two of you!” says King. “Fatigue becomes a huge issue for women with babies and young children and a tired woman is not a sexy woman.” Recognising the upheaval and fatigue that a baby can bring to a relationship is important. Understanding that pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding bring bodily changes that can affect libido and sexual confidence for a while also helps. “Talk to your partner about how you can help each other rather than fighting, and do some things together that are fun so you aren’t just parents,” she says. “Give yourself some time to bring back the sexual confidence and pleasure.”  g m1212_ J P An t i Ag e _ H P .p d f P a g e 1 10/19/201gm1212sexp71.pdf Page 71 22/10/2012, 4:05:11 PM