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caption68 The secrets of gm0813tiep68 - 68 2013-06-17T12:39:58+10:00

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caption69 goodrelationships. How do some couples stay in love even after decades together? According to relationship experts, it’s the little things that make up the winning formula, writes Rachel Smith T here are countless studies about love. Why we fall in love. How we fall out of love. But what’s baffled researchers for years (and couples themselves) is the likelihood of staying in love long-term. Many of us probably still believe – depressingly – that lengthy relationships and marriages must inevitably lose their passion and spark over time. But, for a surprisingly high number of couples, a new study turns that assumption on its head. Researchers from Stony Brook University, in the US, recently studied couples who’d been married 10 years or longer, and were surprised to find that 40 per cent said they were ‘very intensely in love’. A further 15 per cent gave their marriages the second-highest rating on the love intensity scale. An even bigger revelation to the researchers were those married for 30 years or more: 40 per cent of women and 35 per cent of men also put their marriage at the ‘intensely in love’ level. “We had expected some people to rate their relationships highly, but not that many,” says psychologist Arthur Aron, who worked on the study. “The message is that it’s not inevitable for passion to decline. Lots of couples manage to be very intensely in love with each other even after 10, 20, 30 years. That’s the reality. It’s not just an accident. It’s possible for any of us to be in happier relationships.” Psychologist John Aiken, who featured on the ABC TV show Making Couples Happy earlier this year (and co-authored the book of the same name), agrees. “Doing little things, daily and often, to bring your partner close, can really bring about large-scale change,” he says. “That could be the way you talk to each other. How supportive y

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caption70 Spend time together Date nights, talking for 30 minutes a day, going to bed at the same time and doing other things that help you connect are the glue in your love – and if you don’t spend time together, you can’t put all these strategies in place that make you feel good as a twosome. Then you start drifting apart which creates resentment, which in turn creates hostility. This can become a toxic cycle. – John Aiken Photography corbis / getty images Think about your partner when you’re apart Is your relationship very much one that is ‘out of sight, out of mind’, or do you find thoughts of your partner slipping into your mind a lot when you’re not together? In the Stony Brook study, researchers found that the more you love your other half, the more you think about them when you’re apart. – Arthur Aron 3. Find it difficult to focus when thinking about your partner Trouble concentrating when thinking of your beloved is not the sole province of new lovers, according to the Stony Brook study. It found that established couples with a passionate bond often had distracting thoughts about each other, but researchers weren’t sure whether the thoughts were the result of feeling intense love, or vice versa. – Arthur Aron 5Do new and challenging things together Sitting on the couch watching MasterChef together may be cosy, but new activities are better for your relationship, according to researchers. That doesn’t mean you have to ditch your favourite cafes, but sprinkle in some novelty as well. Even if it goes horribly wrong, if both of you are experiencing it together for the first time it connects you and reminds you of when you first fell in love – because everything was new then. – John Aiken 6 Show affection to one another A recent British Heart Foundation study found that only 25 per cent of couples over 45 kiss more than once a week. But showing affection is key for loved-up partners, according to the

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caption71 Photography corbis / getty images 7 Be turned on by each other Decades into a relationship it may take some work to get to the same level of arousal, but those in the study who reported feeling the most intense love said their body responded to their partner’s touch. That’s even if sex isn’t on the menu for you, for whatever reason. Among the couples who were intensely in love, researchers didn’t find a single one who didn’t have a lot of physical affection. There were some older couples who didn’t actually have sex, but they still kissed and cuddled. – Arthur Aron Have regular sex It’s a no-brainer that couples who are in love are probably having more sex, and the benefits of staying sexual in a long-term relationship are numerous. In fact, a recent study found that the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being and the better their relationship is likely to be – and the reverse is true. – John Aiken 9 Feel generally happy If that’s you, chances are you’ll feel happier in your relationship, too. Unhappy people, or those who suffer depression or anxiety, should get help, say experts, who found that if either partner has mental health issues, the relationship can suffer. Getting therapy, taking medication or learning to meditate shouldn’t be just for your benefit, but for your partner’s benefit, too. – Arthur Aron Want to know where your partner is 24/7 It’s something common to new relationships – and sure, in long-term unions it’s not always a good thing because no-one likes a stalker, right? However, the Stony Brook study found a reasonable association with intense love and wanting to know where a partner was – particularly for men. – Arthur Aron 11Think about your partner a lot Interestingly, women didn’t care so much about where their mate was all the time, but they did rate more highly than men when it came to having slightly obsessed thoughts about their partner – and