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caption68 goodrelationships. Experts’ tips for a Are you and your partner stuck in a rut? Not sure how to fix things? Try these strategies from the experts, says Rachel Smith Happier relationship Do new things together Why? It revitalises the relationship and your romantic feelings “Novelty drives up dopamine in the brain and can keep you feeling that romantic tingle – as does regular sex. Try things out of the ordinary to keep things exciting and to ensure your relationship continues to develop – even when you think you know everything there is to know about each other.” Helen Fisher, human behaviour researcher and author of Why Him? Why Her? (available from Amazon). Don’t let kissing or physical affection fall by the wayside Why? Studies show it triggers loving feelings and lowers stress levels “Conversations are certainly important. But touching, cuddling and kissing are critical as well – and verbal communication isn’t the only kind of communication that matters to a couple’s sex life. Putting your arms around one another or lingering for an extended hug or kiss matters, too.” Debby Herbenick, sex researcher and author of Sex Made Easy (available from Amazon). Nurture your intimate connection Why? Whether sexual or emotional, it’s the glue in a relationship “I’m a huge believer in emotional intimacy. It’s about building a bridge into your partner’s world, understanding where the other person is coming from, being able to listen and be heard, and to have real conversations rather than stilted ones. You have to nurture your relationship. Good emotional intimacy leads to good physical intimacy, too.” Elaine George, sexologist, Sexology Australia.  gm0413relp68.pdf Page 68 14/02/2013, 1:29:18 PM

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caption69 gm0413relp69.pdf Page 69 14/02/2013, 1:29:18 PM

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caption70 DON’T FEAR FRICTION OR TRY TO MAKE YOUR PARTNER TOO MUCH LIKE YOU WHY? Mystery and friction fuel passion in a long-term relationship “Starting a romance is juicy and exciting but as we go along we start to attach in a deeper emotional way. Our partner starts to become more like family, and that kind of emotional attachment requires a sense of comfort and safety. While we may have begun the relationship feeling curious about who they are, we start to shut down this curiosity. We think we know all about our partners, which might make them safe, but it doesn’t make them exciting. Over time, in our attempt to make ourselves comfortable, we su ocate the erotic parts of our relationship. Passion thrives on the unknown, and some friction is not only inevitable but desirable. We must bump up against each other – it is vital to our growth as human beings.” GRAEME FRIEDMAN, psychologist and co-author of It Doesn’t Have To Be So Hard: The Secrets to Keeping and Finding Intimacy (Random House, $32.95). CARVE OUT TIME TO SPEND TOGETHER WHY?It keeps you connected and boosts your bond “We all have demands on our time, but ‘couple time’ is an essential part of the pie – and just as you might make time to go to the gym or see friends or deal with the needs of your family, it’s critical to prioritise your relationship and that time with your partner. It’s the key to staying close long term.” NATALIE SMITH, psychologist STOP WITH THE PROBLEM-SOLVING WHY?It can actually lead to more frustration “[ Problem-solving] means you are spending your time on the least happy parts of your relationship rather than the parts that give you pleasure. Most couples believe, ‘If we could only solve this problem we’d be happy’. The truth is if you focus on being happy together, rather than on solving your problem, you’ll nd the problem will diminish or a solution will emerge by itself.” DR SUSAN PAGE, author of Why Tal

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caption71 Do your research before getting professional help Why?not all relationship counsellors are created equal “Some people are terrifi c counsellors but they may not have enough background in relationship counselling. So, I’d consider ringing a psychologist you’re thinking of seeing and asking them a few questions, such as, ‘What’s your approach to relationship problems like this? What strategies would you look at using with us?’ You don’t need to go to a relationship counsellor and talk about why your father didn’t take you to the circus. You need to go to assess what’s happening in your relationship and you want someone who can direct the therapy in a way that’s going to give you exactly what you need. AHPRA [ Australian Health Practitioner Regulation Agency] can help you fi nd one in your local area, or your GP may have some recommendations. And if you fi nd it’s not working, then it’s okay to say to the counsellor, ‘Thank you, but I think we need a diff erent approach.’” Dr Diane McGreal, psychologist practise minDfulness Why? it can be key to healthier confl ict “What comes naturally to you during a fi ght might be snapping or yelling or storming out of the room, but learning a skill set known as mindfulness can radically improve how you relate to your partner. It’s about three key skills: defusion, to unhook yourself from unhelpful thoughts; expansion, to let your feelings fl ow through you rather than getting carried away with them; and connection, which is about connecting in the present rather than getting caught up in the past or future. These skills requires practise, but I’ve seen many couples who fi nd that it massively enhances and enriches their relationships.” Dr rUss harris, physician and author of The Happiness Trap (Exisle, $29.95) celebrate each other’s successes Why? it’s the key to satisfaction and relationship longevity “Everyone wants recognition from the